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Key Concepts

Exceptional relationships

Hallmarks of exceptional relationships:

• “You can be more fully yourself, and so can the other person.

• “Both of you are willing to be vulnerable. 

• “You trust that self-disclosures will not be used against you.

• “You can be honest with each other. 

• “You deal with conflict productively. 

• “Both of you are committed to each other’s growth and development.” (p. 4)

“Challenging someone can actually be a powerful way of supporting them, and yet few people feel confident they can do it well. Someone with whom you have an exceptional relationship calls you on behaviors that really bother them, and when they do, you know it’s a chance for learning, not something against which you have to put up your guard. They know that in helping you understand the impact of your behavior, they are showing commitment to your relationship and helping you grow.” (p. 5)

“One of the most striking observations we’ve had over the years is that deep, fulfilling, personal connections can happen with a wider range of people than we normally think possible. We can develop an exceptional relationship with someone whom we seem, outwardly, to have little in common with. We’ve seen it happen, again and again, in both personal and professional settings. What it takes are the skills to move beyond surface conversations. These don’t necessarily require a lot of time, but they do require a commitment to truly learn about ourselves and about the other.” (p. 9)

“Deep relationships take time—there is no instant intimacy. You can influence the speed and direction of a relationship’s trajectory—and we’ll show you some ways to do just that. But it takes two to tango, and so what develops in a relationship will also depend on the other person, including their willingness and ability to take these steps toward growth. You may be able to influence that, but you can’t control it. The arc of development also isn’t necessarily linear. A relationship may stay where it is for a while or even regress and then start growing again.” (p. 15)

Building relationships requires a learning mindset

“Whenever we face challenges, we think, ‘Well, that’s an AFOG’—which is short for ‘another f**king opportunity for growth.’” (p. 16)

“You can’t significantly develop a relationship (and certainly can’t reach exceptional) unless you’re open to learning. This mindset isn’t limited to new skills and competencies but also applies to a willingness to look within.” (p. 17)

“A learning mindset has several characteristics. One is a willingness to let go of the idea that your way of doing things is always best. Another is being game to try new things and take the risk of making mistakes. And a third is seeing mistakes as learning opportunities rather than something to be embarrassed about and hide. Curiosity is key. Thinking, I wonder why this isn’t working, is much more productive than blaming another person when something goes awry.” (p. 17)

Building intimacy using the “15 Percent Rule”

“Consider three concentric rings that represent decreasing safety as you move out from the center. The smallest ring, in the middle, is the Zone of Comfort. This refers to what you say or do that you don’t think twice about and with which you feel completely safe. The outermost ring is the Zone of Danger—things you wouldn’t consider doing or saying given the high likelihood that the outcome would be negative. The ring between “Comfort” and “Danger” is known as the Zone of Learning and is where you are unsure about how another will respond. That is typically the zone in which people learn.” (p. 30)

“There are a few important caveats to the 15 Percent Rule. First, it’s subjective: a 15 percent move for me might seem low risk for you and extreme for a third person. Talking about therapy might be in your 15 percent zone if you’re thirty-five years old and live in New York but well outside your 15 percent zone if you’re a fifty-five-year-old in rural England. Second, you have to take into account the impact of your disclosures on the other person. For example, you wouldn’t want to share a detailed argument you had with your mother with someone who had just lost her own. And third, you have to gauge the situational appropriateness. What might work in a one-to-one conversation might not at a larger dinner party.” (p. 32)

“I feel” should be followed by an emotions word

“We have one more important point to make about expressing feelings, and it’s all about the language we use to do so. Both of us are fanatical about how the phrase ‘I feel’ is used, because it can be used in two different ways—one useful, and one misleading. It can be used to express an emotion, as in ‘I feel upset by your comment,’ or it can express a thought/cognition, as in ‘I feel like you want to dominate this conversation.’” (p. 38)

“There are two ways to tell whether your “I feel” statement is really expressing an emotion. The first is paying attention to the word that follows “I feel.” If that word isn’t an adjective describing an emotion (such as “sad” or “angry”), you should be skeptical. If it is “like,” “that,” or “as,” you are unlikely to be describing an emotion. It’s grammatically impossible (at least in English) to express a feeling when you say, “I feel that” or “I feel like.” We don’t say “I feel that angry.” Or “I feel like sad.” You can also try a simple substitution. If you can replace “feel” or “feel like” with “think” and the sentence still makes sense, then you haven’t expressed an emotion.” (p. 38)

Vulnerability is tough, but the higher status person often needs to go first to set the tone

“One common concern people have about disclosure—especially when it involves revealing things that might appear as defects—is that others will see them as weak. We see it differently. It takes fortitude and internal strength to self-disclose.” (p. 44)

“Leaders, especially, are often afraid to reveal personal information that defies the perception that they totally have their act together—what if others respect them less? If the disclosure casts doubt on the person’s competence to do the job, then sharing that information can cause a loss of influence and respect, but otherwise it helps the leader be seen as more human. We will return to this in more detail in the next chapter, but a leader who is not willing to be vulnerable sets a norm that does not encourage any others in the organization to do that either. The only way for a leader to legitimize self-disclosure is to model it.” (p. 44)

“Reciprocity is a crucial element in self-disclosure, but whose job is it to disclose first? Even though the more we disclose, the more control we have over how we are seen, we have to consider how much more difficult it is when issues of status or perceived status are in play. “Status” might be a level in the organization, degree of past achievement, or education. Unfortunately, gender, ethnicity, and socioeconomic background also create status distinctions. Expecting someone who might already feel one-down to initiate self-disclosure is a lot to ask. It’s only logical that such disclosures come with a relatively higher feeling of risk. This is especially the case with people from marginalized groups, such as women in male-dominated fields and people of color.” (p. 62)

“Yet higher-status people are often unaware that their role makes it hard for people to disclose to them. Bosses frequently say to their direct reports, “I expect you to speak up,” downplaying the risk of doing so. Those in a higher-power-and-status position need to not only be aware of this dynamic but also disclose to a greater degree than they would with someone of equal status.” (p. 63)

“Encouraging Disclosure”

“‘Meeting someone where they are’ has several dimensions. One is, Are you speaking to what they want as opposed to what you want? Another is, Are you responding at the same emotional level?” (p. 54)

“A third dimension is, Are you seeing the world as they see it?” (p. 55)

“A fourth dimension is, Are you not responding to what the other really wants?” (p. 55)

“For the other person to hear anything you have to say, much less tell you more about themselves, they have to know that you seek to understand them and their position. Once that connection is made, then it is possible to bring up other issues and delve into more questions.” (p. 55)

“Establishing What Feels Fair”

“All relationships have trade-offs, but for a relationship to be sustainable, each person has to have enough of their needs met, and each must give things up. Over time, the benefits have to exceed the costs. As relationships develop and each person allows themselves to be more fully known, the two of them can learn how to increase the benefits and reduce the costs.” (p. 72)

“TEN WAYS YOU GIVE AWAY INFLUENCE”

• “Assuming that your needs are secondary to the other’s 

• “Not listening to your feelings 

• “Letting yourself be interrupted

• “Backing down when someone disagrees with you 

• “Avoiding conflict—not disagreeing with the other, keeping things nice 

• “Not giving feedback, assuming the problem is probably yours

• “Being concerned about being liked/approved of and seeing that as most important

• “Minimizing the importance of your comments 

• “Not taking credit for your accomplishments 

• “Not pointing out a problem unless you have a solution” (p. 80)

It’s important to raise “pinches” before they escalate

“Interpersonal issues are inevitable, a normal part of building and maintaining relationships. But as this chapter will show, it’s easier to raise problems before they develop into major conflicts.” (p. 87)

“People are often hesitant to raise pinches out of concern that doing so might make them seem thin-skinned and petty. You probably know someone who can take affront at the smallest comment, and you don’t want to be like them. Or you may think, It’s just not worth it. Sometimes that’s true, but sometimes if you dig deeper, you’ll find it’s more important to you than you initially realized. Try this: Change the first pronoun to “I” or “you,” as in, I’m just not worth it or You’re just not worth it. Do you still think the issue isn’t worth raising? Sometimes you may, but often you realize there are more feelings there than you first recognized.” (p. 91)

“The Power of Behaviorally Specific Feedback”

“Feedback also goes awry when the person giving it thinks they’re describing someone’s behavior (the second reality), but they’re really not. Behavior is something you can point to—words, gestures, and even silence are all forms of behavior. A useful test is to ask, If people were shown a video of the interaction, would they agree they saw the same behaviors?” (p. 100)

“The reason why we stress behaviorally specific feedback is that too much feedback isn’t specific and therefore ends up being useless or even destructive.” (p. 102)

“Many people are hesitant to give negative feedback for fear that it will be damaging and demotivating. The problem is with the term “negative feedback.” The two of us intensely dislike the term because we believe all behavioral feedback is positive. Even feedback on problematic behavior is positive, because behavior is something we can change, and feedback on it is an opportunity to improve. We prefer the word “affirmative” to describe feedback on behaviors you appreciate and want to convey as strengths, and “developmental” for feedback on behaviors that you find problematic.” (p. 103)

“In Interpersonal Dynamics, we repeatedly stress that feedback starts a conversation. It doesn’t end it.” (p. 114)

“Blocking Emotions”

“When feedback conversations don’t go well, we conclude that we were right to see them as dangerous. What we don’t see is that the problem was not in what we raised but in what we didn’t. More often than not, the missing piece is emotions.” (p. 119)

“I SHOULDN’T FEEL [INSERT EMOTION]” (p. 119)

“Feelings are never “wrong.” What might be inappropriate is how you express them or what you attribute the cause to.” (p. 120)

“I CAN’T JUSTIFY MY FEELINGS IN THIS CONTEXT” (p. 120)

“I’M SURE THIS FEELING WILL PASS” (p. 120)

“MY FEELINGS CONTRADICT EACH OTHER,” OR [+5] + [−5] = 0 (p. 121)

“But both feelings are true, so emotional math says [+5] and [−5] do not equal zero; they just equal [+5] and [−5]. Instead of withholding your feelings, express both of them.” (p. 121)

“I’M SO MAD I DON’T TRUST MYSELF TO SPEAK” (p. 121)

“You think, I am so upset, I don’t give a damn why they did that. I don’t trust myself in what I might say. Could you just say that last sentence and ask for twenty minutes to cool down and then talk about it? That lets the other person know what is going on for you. It might be that just expressing this is enough to lower your temperature. But if not, twenty minutes should be enough.” (p. 121)

“The Problem-Solving Stages”

STAGE 1: GETTING THE OTHER PERSON TO TAKE THE FEEDBACK SERIOUSLY

“People will usually consider your concerns if they see that your intent in doing so is in their best interests. There are a few ways to do this, none of which are mutually exclusive:” (p. 125)

STAGE 2: SHARING ALL THE ISSUES

STAGE 3: RESOLUTION

“First, you want to ensure the discussion has solved the initial problems in a way that satisfies both people.” (p. 127)

“Second, you want the discussion to improve your problem-solving ability. This may include understanding how you got into this problem in the first place, but it also should examine how you went about resolving it. Were there places you got stuck, or was it more tortuous than necessary? The objective is to increase, not decrease, each person’s willingness to raise difficult issues in the future.” (p. 127)

“The third and fourth objectives deal with aspects of the relationship itself. Do you know each other better because in the discussion you’ve shared relevant parts of yourself?” (p. 128)

“And finally, has your relationship improved as a result of the effort?” (p. 128)

STAGE 4: REPAIR 

“RESOLVING CONTENTIOUS ISSUES”

“Maddie and Adam did a good job in their first pass at problem-solving, avoiding some really common traps:” (p. 206)

• “Rushing to judgment: Conflict is stressful, and the desire to move quickly past it can lead to premature acceptance of the first option suggested. Complex problems usually have more than one viable solution and often involve issues that each person feels strongly about.” (p. 206)

• “Either/or thinking” (p. 206)

• “Treating opinions as facts” (p. 206)

• “Confusing “trials” with final decisions” (p. 207)

• “Undervaluing personal needs: Facts and logic are important; they point to what is possible. But as we have already stressed, balancing each person’s needs is equally important. Adam did a good job acknowledging that some of his feelings of uncertainty weren’t logical, but they were there nonetheless.” (p. 207)

• “Not taking account of personal styles: Everyone has habits, needs, and proclivities.” (p. 207)

Quotables

“Your hundreds of Instagram friends might know what you ordered for dinner at that fancy restaurant last week, but the person you have an exceptional relationship with knows that you’ve actually been struggling with food issues for years, or that this was the dinner when you and your partner talked about starting a family, or that the impetus for the evening was to discuss the pros and cons of leaving your job.” (p. 3)

“The important distinction is between cognitions (thoughts), which tell what is, and emotions (feelings), which tell how important it is.” (p. 33)

“We also tend to stigmatize “being emotional” and are advised not to “wear our emotions on our sleeves.” Men, in particular, are socialized not to display emotion, while women who work in male-dominated environments often feel conflicted about how much emotion to show for fear of being seen as too sensitive and insufficiently tough, or as “dramatic.” Fortunately, norms are changing.” (p. 36)

“The most effective open-ended questions don’t begin with the word “why.” “Why” questions tend to drive people into their heads and out of their feelings. Such questions carry an implicit request that the other person justify themselves.” (p. 56)

“When people give advice, they tend to respond in terms of what they would do rather than fully taking into account how the other best operates. Another knock on advice-giving: It can keep you from discovering what is really going on for the other person.” (p. 57)

“Accepting the validity of someone’s feedback also doesn’t mean you must act on it. Feedback is information for you to decide what to do with. It’s data with which to expand your choices. As a colleague of ours says, ‘It’s like clothes—try it on and see if it fits.’” (p. 132)

“We don’t advise using a third party to come up with solutions, because they don’t have all the relevant information. But they can be very useful thought partners, helping you get clearer about what you most need so that you can then productively work the issue out with the other person.” (p. 211)

“Kintsugi, or “golden repair,” is a Japanese art form for fixing broken pottery. Lacquer mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum is applied in such a way as to highlight the breaks while also serving the practical purpose of mending the pot. It is also a philosophy; if an object has been damaged, then it has a history that should be celebrated rather than hidden, covered up, or discarded. The rare-metal powder aggrandizes the break to say that when something has been subjected to damage, it becomes more beautiful. We believe the same orientation applies to the “breaks” in a relationship and how they’re repaired. That has certainly been true for us. Even though we regret our painful impasse, we value what we got out of it.” (p. 272)

“‘Fear’ is sometimes an acronym for ‘false expectations appearing real.’” (p. 275)

“At the heart of an exceptional relationship, then, is a unique experience of freedom that feels almost magical. Because you know the other cares for you and will be honest, you can hear their feedback. This results in knowing yourself in a much fuller way.” (p. 275)