Simplicity Parenting

Key Concepts

Kids face a chaotic world

“Are we building our families on the four pillars of “too much”: too much stuff, too many choices, too much information, and too fast? I believe that we are.” (p. 5)

Simplification is an anecdote to that chaos

“Why simplify? Because by simplifying our children’s lives we can remove some of the stresses of too-much and too-fast that obstruct their focus and interfere with an emotional baseline of calm and security. A little grace is needed, after all, for them to develop into the people they’re meant to be, especially in a world that is constantly bombarding them (and us) with the distractions of so many things, so much information, speed, and urgency.” (p. 33)

Tactics to create simplicity

• Reduce number of toys and books

• Minimize screens (e.g., reduce number of televisions and screens, move it out of the living so that it is not the center of family life)

• Create predictable routines

• Simplify schedules (e.g., Sabbath days)

• Rationalize involvement in activities (e.g., limits to number and timing)

Boredom and exploration

“Here is a shift of awareness that will help you open up your child’s schedule: Think of boredom as a ‘gift.’” (p. 142) 

Quotables

“Simplification signals a change and makes room for a transformation. It is a stripping away that invites clarity.” (p. 19)

“So many choices and so much stimuli rob them of time and attention. Too much stuff deprives kids of leisure, and the ability to explore their worlds deeply.” (p. 22)

“The most elemental and powerful reason to simplify is this: As your awareness of your children widens and deepens, so too will your love.” (p. 34)

“Parents who are very busy and preoccupied, overloaded themselves, can miss the initial signs of a child’s unease. This happens, just as it’s possible to miss the first signs of a physical fever.” (p. 42)

“The more adamantly a parent tries to convince me that a break would be impossible, the more certain I become that both parent and child need to take a step out of their everyday lives, toward each other.” (p. 51)

“And as the parents who love them, we can help our children by limiting their choices. We can expand and protect their childhoods by not overloading them with the pseudochoices and the false power of so much stuff.” (p. 59)

“So, here is the paradigm shift that I am suggesting for toys: Less is more. No special toys, or quantity of toys, is necessary to develop a child’s imagination. Children use and grow their imaginations quite naturally. They only need time to do so. Plenty of open-ended time, and mental ease.” (p. 62)

“It’s a real pleasure to declutter, to see clear surfaces again. It’s calming, for you and your children, to be surrounded with clean lines and a simpler palette rather than a riot of shapes and colors.” (p. 75)

“We can say no in our own homes to the commercialization of childhood.” (p. 88)

“When you simplify a child’s clothes, you simplify daily life. Each one of the transitions around clothes is made more difficult by clutter and excess.” (p. 89)

“So, while your child may not know the pattern of your days by their consistency and repetition (rhythm), you can provide markers and previews of their day, thereby letting them know what to expect (predictability).” (p. 101)

“As you consider increasing the rhythms in your family life, ask yourself: Would this make life easier, more balanced? Will this help with what we need to do? More importantly, will this contribute to the way we want to live?” (p. 108)

“But just as too many toys may stifle creativity, too many scheduled activities may limit a child’s ability to direct themselves, to fill their own time, to find and follow their own path.” (p. 137)

“Children need free, unstructured time. They need time to do ‘nothing;’ time to do handstands.” (p. 138)

“...the ‘gift’ of boredom is hardly a gift for you, if your child continues their ‘I’m bored!’ laments. My suggestion is to flatline it. Outbore their boredom with a single, flat response: ‘Something to do is right around the corner.’ ‘But Daddy, I’m bored!’ Here you become a broken record. You become the most boring thing in the universe.” (p. 143)

“After all, television is a direct counterforce to simplifying, and it’s stronger than the mightiest parent armed with good intentions. Television runs on commercials, the siren song of “stuff.” An altar of commercialism, it is your home’s most efficient conduit of clutter.”(p. 168)

“We sometimes increase our vigilance—sucking up every intimation of danger, feeding on every hint of concern—in a misguided belief that this increases our children’s protection. Really, though, it only increases our anxiety. It not only pollutes our well-being as parents, it affects the way we see the world, and the way our kids do, too. It lengthens and broadens that shadow of fear, so we see danger first and foremost, before we see a situation’s joy or possibilities.” (p. 180)

“This may surprise you, but several of the suggestions and tips that I offer to help parents back out of over-involvement boil down to this: say less. ” (p. 185)

“Some parents want to be an open book to their children; they equate honesty with full disclosure. By its very nature, though, respect requires some distance and separation.” (p. 188)

“Before you say something, ask yourself these three questions: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?” (p. 193)

“Instead, I take necessary to mean ‘more important than silence.’ What enables us to read a word is the white space all around it, and without some intervening quiet we couldn’t hear a thing.” (p. 194)

“But the work of child care can expand to fill most every crevice. And for one person to really get a break, to really let go of a task mentally and physically, the other must do it consistently, with no need for requests or reminders.”  (p. 196)

“Yet emotional intelligence can’t be bought or rushed. It develops with the slow emergence of identity, and the gradual accumulation of life experiences. When we push a young child toward an awareness they don’t yet have, we transpose our own emotions, and our own voice, on theirs. We overwhelm them.” (p. 199)

“Directions can and should be direct. ‘Taylor, time to get in the car and buckle up. Shut that door, please.’ ‘I can’t drive with distractions. We don’t throw anything while the car is in motion.’ Requests may seem like ‘gentler’ forms of communication, but with so many of them they’re very easy to ignore, and their uniformity make it hard for a child to know what’s really important.”