What Got You Here Won't Get You There

Key Concepts

Why we resist change

Belief 1: I Have Succeeded

Belief 2: I Can Succeed

“This is the classic definition of self-efficacy, and it may be the most central belief driving individual success. People who believe they can succeed see opportunities where others see threats. They’re not afraid of uncertainty or ambiguity. They embrace it. They want to take greater risks and achieve greater returns. Given the choice, they will always bet on themselves.” (p. 20)

Belief 3: I Will Succeed

“Overcommitment can be as serious an obstacle to change as believing that you don’t need fixing or that your flaws are part of the reason you’re successful.” (p. 23)

Belief 4: I Choose to Succeed

“Successful people believe that they are doing what they choose to do, because they choose to do it. They have a high need for self-determination. The more successful a person is, the more likely this is to be true. When we do what we choose to do, we are committed. When we do what we have to do, we are compliant.” (p. 23)

“The Twenty Habits That Hold You Back from the Top”

Habit #1 Winning too much

“Let’s be clear: I’m not disparaging competitiveness. I’m pointing out that it’s a problem when we deploy it at the service of objectives that simply are not worth the effort. Winning too much is the #1 challenge because it underlies nearly every other behavioral problem.” (p. 45)

Habit #2 Adding too much value

“It is extremely difficult for successful people to listen to other people tell them something that they already know without communicating somehow that (a) ‘we already knew that’ and (b) ‘we know a better way.’” (p. 48)

Habit #3 Passing judgment

“People don’t like to be critiqued, however obliquely. That’s why passing judgment is one of the more insidious ways we push people away and hold ourselves back from greater success. The only sure thing that comes out of passing judgment on people’s efforts to help is that they won’t help us again.” (p. 52)

Habit #4 Making destructive comments

“Press people to list the destructive comments they have made in the last 24 hours and they will quite often come up blank. We make destructive comments without thinking—and therefore without noticing or remembering. But the objects of our scorn remember. Press them and they will accurately replay every biting comment we’ve made at their expense.” (p. 53)

Habit #5 Starting with “No,” “But,” or “However”

“When you start a sentence with “no,” “but,” “however,” or any variation thereof, no matter how friendly your tone or how many cute mollifying phrases you throw in to acknowledge the other person’s feelings, the message to the other person is You are wrong. It’s not, “I have a different opinion.” It’s not, “Perhaps you are misinformed.” It’s not, “I disagree with you.” It’s bluntly and unequivocally, “What you’re saying is wrong, and what I’m saying is right.” Nothing productive can happen after that.” (p. 57)

Habit #6 Telling the world how smart we are

“Being smart turns people on. Announcing how smart you are turns them off.” (p. 61)

Habit #7 Speaking when angry

“As to the second point, I can help you lose your reputation as a person who gets angry with one simple piece of advice. It is this: If you keep your mouth shut, no one can ever know how you really feel.” (p. 64)

Habit #8 Negativity, or “Let me explain why that won’t work.”

Habit #9 Withholding information

“More often than not, we don’t withhold information out of malice. We do it because we’re clueless. That’s a good thing. Willful maliciousness is not a ‘flaw’ that we can fix here. But cluelessness is easy to change.” (p. 70)

Habit #10 Failing to give proper recognition

“Recognition is all about closure. It’s the beautiful ribbon wrapped around the jewel box that contains the precious gift of success you and your team have created. When you fail to provide that recognition, you are cheapening the gift. You have the success but none of the afterglow.” (p. 72)

Habit #11 Claiming credit that we don’t deserve

Habit #12 Making excuses

“I have never seen feedback that said, ‘I think you are a great leader because I love the quality of your excuses.’ Or, ‘I thought you were messing up, but you turned me around when you made those excuses.’” (p. 77)

Habit #13 Clinging to the past

“Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with understanding. Understanding the past is perfectly admissible if your issue is accepting the past. But if your issue is changing the future, understanding will not take you there.” (p. 80)

Habit #14 Playing favorites

Habit #15 Refusing to express regret

“If you look back at the tattered relationships in your life, I suspect many of them began to fray at the precise moment when one of you couldn’t summon the emotional intelligence to say, ‘I’m sorry.’” (p. 84)

Habit #16 Not listening

Habit #17 Failing to express gratitude

Habit #18 Punishing the messenger

“If your goal is to stop people from giving you input—of all kinds—perfect your reputation for shooting the messenger. On the other hand, if your goal is to stop this bad habit, all you need to say is, ‘Thank you.’” (p. 92)

Habit #19 Passing the buck

“A leader who cannot shoulder the blame is not someone we will follow blindly into battle. We instinctively question that individual’s character, dependability, and loyalty to us. And so we hold back on our loyalty to him or her.” (p. 94)

Habit #20 An excessive need to be “me”

“You can see how, over time, it would be easy for each of us to cross the line and begin to make a virtue of our flaws—simply because the flaws constitute what we think of as “me.” This misguided loyalty to our true natures—this excessive need to be me—is one of the toughest obstacles to making positive long-term change in our behavior. It doesn’t need to be.” (p. 97)

“The Twenty-First Habit: Goal Obsession”

“In its broadest form, goal obsession is the force at play when we get so wrapped up in achieving our goal that we do it at the expense of a larger mission.” (p. 99)

“The solution is simple, but not easy. You have to step back, take a breath, and look. And survey the conditions that are making you obsessed with the wrong goals. Ask yourself: When are you under time pressure? Or in a hurry? Or doing something that you have been told is important? Or have people depending upon you? Probable answer: All the time. These are the classic conditions of the goal obsessed. We confront them every minute of every day. They do not go away. This makes it all the more important to reflect upon our work, match it up against the life we want to live, and consider, “What am I doing?” and, “Why am I doing this?” Ask yourself, “Am I achieving a task—and forgetting my organization’s mission?” Are you making money to support your family—and forgetting the family that you are trying to support? Are you on time to deliver a sermon to your staff—and forgetting to practice what you’re preaching?” (p. 104)

Feedback is critical, since interpersonal behaviors are the differentiator as we advance in our careers

“Successful people only have two problems dealing with negative feedback. However, they are big problems: (a) they don’t want to hear it from us and (b) we don’t want to give it to them.” (p. 111)

“It’s my contention—and it’s the bedrock thesis of this book—that interpersonal behavior is the difference-maker between being great and near-great, between getting the gold and settling for the bronze. (The higher you go, the more your “issues” are behavioral.)” (p. 120)

“In soliciting feedback for yourself, the only question that works—the only one!—must be phrased like this: ‘How can I do better?’” (p. 122)

Apologizing is the start of development

“If it isn’t obvious by now, I regard apologizing as the most magical, healing, restorative gesture human beings can make. It is the centerpiece of my work with executives who want to get better—because without the apology there is no recognition that mistakes have been made, there is no announcement to the world of the intention to change, and most important there is no emotional contract between you and the people you care about. Saying you’re sorry to someone writes that contract in blood.” (p. 136)

“Once you’re prepared to apologize, here’s the instruction manual: You say, “I’m sorry.” You add, “I’ll try to do better in the future.” Not absolutely necessary, but prudent in my view because when you let go of the past, it’s nice to hint at a brighter future. And then . . . you say nothing. Don’t explain it. Don’t complicate it. Don’t qualify it. You only risk saying something that will dilute it.” (p. 140)

You need to tell people about your development journey and follow up for them to see change

“I tell my clients, ‘It’s a lot harder to change people’s perception of your behavior than it is to change your behavior. In fact, I calculate that you have to get 100% better in order to get 10% credit for it from your coworkers.’” (p. 142)

“It’s not enough to merely let people know what you’re doing. You’re not running a “one day sale” here. You’re trying to create a lasting change. You have to advertise relentlessly—as if it’s a long-term campaign. You can’t assume that people hear you the first time or the second time or even the third.” (p. 143)

“I teach my clients to go back to all their coworkers every month or so and ask them for comments and suggestions. For example, that first client who had a problem sharing and including his peers went to each colleague and said the following: “Last month I told you that I would try to get better at being more inclusive. You gave me some ideas and I would like to know if you think I have effectively put them into practice.” That question forces his colleagues to stop what they’re doing and, once again, think about his efforts to change, mentally gauge his progress, and keep him focused on continued improvement.” (p. 161)

Ask, “Is it worth it?”

“Listening also requires us to answer a difficult question before we speak: ‘Is it worth it?’” (p. 149)

“Asking, “Is it worth it?” engages you in thinking beyond the discussion to consider (a) how the other person regards you, (b) what that person will do afterwards, and (c) how that person will behave the next time you talk.” (p. 150)

“The ability to make a person feel that, when you’re with that person, he or she is the most important (and the only) person in the room is the skill that separates the great from the near-great.” (p. 153)

“The question is: Why don’t we do it? Answer: We forget. We get distracted. We don’t have the mental discipline to make it automatic.” (p. 154)

Feedforward

“Feedforward asks you to do four simple steps: 

1. “Pick the one behavior that you would like to change which would make a significant, positive difference in your life. 

2. “Describe this objective in a one-on-one dialogue with anyone you know. 

3. “Ask that person for two suggestions for the future that might help you achieve a positive change in your selected behavior—in this case, becoming a better listener. If you’re talking to someone who knows you or who has worked with you in the past, the only ground rule is that there can be no mention of the past. Everything is about the future.

4. “Listen attentively to the suggestions. Take notes if you like. Your only ground rule: You are not allowed to judge, rate, or critique the suggestions in any way.” (pp. 170-2)

“Feedforward, on the other hand, is feedback going in the opposite direction. That is, if feedback, both positive and negative, reports on how you functioned in the past, then feedforward comes in the form of ideas that you can put into practice in the future. If feedback is past tense, then feedforward is future perfect.” (p. 173)

There aren’t “ideal” leadership profiles

“You can’t be and don’t have to be all things to all people. If there were a list of 39 successful attributes for the model executive, I would never argue that you have to be the perfect expression of all 39 of them. All you need are a few of them. No matter how many of the 39 attributes you don’t embody, the real question is, how bad is the problem? Is it bad enough that it merits fixing? If not, don’t worry about it. You’re doing fine.” (p. 191)

“This isn’t a license for mediocrity. It’s a reality check. It’s your permission to deal in trade-offs and pick one thing to improve upon rather than everything.” (p. 192)

“The same applies to your task of changing your behavior. Pick one issue that matters and “attack” it until it doesn’t matter anymore. If you’re a bad listener, choose to become a better listener—not the best listener in the world (whatever that means!).” (p. 192)

Quotables

“It doesn’t take much to get people reoriented—out of the maze and back on the right path. The problems we’ll be looking at in this book are not life-threatening diseases (although ignored for too long they can destroy a career). They’re not deep-seated neuroses that require years of therapy or tons of medication to erase. More often than not, they are simple behavioral tics—bad habits that we repeat dozens of times a day in the workplace—which can be cured by (a) pointing them out, (b) showing the havoc they cause among the people surrounding us, and (c) demonstrating that with a slight behavioral tweak we can achieve a much more appealing effect.” (p. 8)

“The only natural law I’ve witnessed in three decades of observing successful people’s efforts to become more successful is this: People will do something—including changing their behavior—only if it can be demonstrated that doing so is in their own best interests as defined by their own values.” (p. 29)

“We figure if we don’t ask for critiques of our behavior, then no one has anything critical to say. This thinking defies logic. It has to stop. You are better off finding out the truth than being in denial.” (p. 191)

“Perhaps it’s time to stop dreaming of a time when you won’t be busy. Because the time will never come. It’s your dream—but it’s also a mirage. I have learned a hard lesson trying to help real people, change real behavior in the real world. There is no “couple of weeks.” Look at the trend line! Sanity does not prevail. There is a good chance that tomorrow is going to be just as crazy as today. If you want to change anything about yourself, the best time to start is now. Ask yourself, ‘What am I willing to change now?’ Just do that. That’s more than enough. For now.” (p. 198)